HOW I SURVIVED “CANCER”

It all began with a pain in the right side of my abdomen. The Google search revealed that it could also be a sign of colon cancer. It tensed me up and triggered acidity.  Once I woke up at midnight with a burning sensation in the stomach and chest.  I thought those were my last moments and its all over.  I looked at my wife and child and thought, how would they live without me and with my pension. Just then I felt like eating something (the last supper?). I ate a banana and after sometime fell asleep.  I woke up in the morning and found that I am still alive.  Lucky. Then I decided to visit a doctor.

Before that, I discussed my problem with my friend Kishore in Hyderabad. He is always available to do research on one’s problem and clarify doubts.  Even if a pregnant woman is stuck in a lift, Kishore can help her, over phone, to deliver successfully. 

Manipal Hospital was crowded like any government hospital, mall, temple or Ramdev’s Yoga camp.  Doctor asks me to get a scan done ‘immediately’.  Well, my ‘immediate’ turn for scan comes after four hours.  The lady attendant asks “Is your bladder full?”.  I manage to nod because my bladder is about to burst after drinking water for the last three hours.  Report showed that all my organs are in right place and right sizes.  Then I am asked to get a Stool test and blood test done.  Next day morning, I raced fast on my bike like a pizza delivery boy with a container of my stool.  The lab which I thought is reliable had only the sweeper in attendance talking over the phone.  Then I raced to another hospital (felt like Kamal Hassan in Pushpak). Finally, the stool test was done and report was also normal.

All reports normal, yet the pain persists.  I felt sad. Nil reports and problem persists means more tests. Then the most loathed test, Colonoscopy was the next option.  This test you may know is done by inserting a tube with camera through the ass. Rather, an antonym of Endoscopy. The thought that my ass would go through a photo session made me queasy and embarrassing.  The preparation for the test began the previous night.  Two tablets at bed time.  Next day, early morning you got to finish two bottles of liquid to trigger motions. Soon the download starts. Hard, soft, softer, water, watery, jeera, dhaniya, rai racing down rapidly.   Race to loo was fast and so fast that I lost count.  I never imagined that my colon could stock so much trash.

Anyway, I reached the Clinic feeling a few kilos lighter.  The man at the reception greets me with “How many times did you pass motion?” Am I supposed to count that?  What’s in a number? My throat to ass had become a sort of wind tunnel.  The attendant asks me to strip and gives me a robe.  Wearing that, I look like a member of bomb disposal squad.  The process begins.  No pain as the tube gains entry.    I could see it all on the monitor.  It is like am going through a fleshy tunnel with a torch light.    Within minutes it is done.  Doc hands me over four pictures of my ass.  All well. Report is normal.  What next? Pain seems to have gone.  Whatever be the cause Google made me feel like a cancer survivor.   If the pain appears again, next round of tests begin.  I will not be going to Google this time.

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